The problem isn't the problem: a simple way to start reframing negative thoughts
Written by: Kurt Schliemann6 min read
Updated: 10/09/26
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TL;DR
Reframing negative thoughts starts with one uncomfortable admission: most of what upsets you isn't what happened. It's the story you told yourself about what happened. I learned that over a drawer full of buttons, and it took me almost 20 years to understand it.1
The good news is that this is a skill. You can get better at it, with practice and regular intention.
The button fight
In 2004, my wife and I moved from New York to Los Angeles to start our life together. New city. First shared home. Two people's worth of stuff squeezed into one rental.1
A few weeks later, I lost a button off a dress shirt. Easy fix. My spares lived in one particular drawer, ready for exactly this.
The drawer was empty.
My wife had moved them. Into her cigar box, with her buttons, her thread and everything else you'd need to fix a shirt. As far as she was concerned, that's where buttons go. As far as I was concerned, nobody had asked me.1
I got snippy. Then I got angry. It turned into one of the first real arguments of our life together.
Over a button.
What I was really fighting about
I didn't care where the buttons lived. I still don't. What actually had me fired up was the story playing in my head:
- She moved my things without asking.
- She doesn't respect me.
- How can I trust someone who rearranges my life without telling me?
- I'm losing control.
My buttons moved from one room of my house to another. Nothing about that is upsetting. The upset came from the meaning I gave it. Which means it came from me.1
That's the uncomfortable truth behind every reframe. Our minds can't leave an experience alone. We have to make it mean something. And the meaning is where we get into trouble.
None of this is new. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it this way almost 2,000 years ago: people are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.2
Why the stories we tell ourselves keep us stuck
Most of us are dealing with two problems at once, and the button isn't either of them.1
We can't see the story. We think we're upset about the drawer, the comment or the missed deadline. We're actually upset about what we decided it says about us.
We don't know how to change it. So the same story keeps running the show. It shows up in our marriages, our careers and our money. Different setting, same script.
Relationship research says the same thing. John Gottman's long-term studies of couples found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. They never fully go away.4 Couples fight about the surface topic, the chores or the money, while a deeper need sits underneath.4 The couples who do well don't eliminate those conflicts. They get curious about them instead of defensive.4
The same is true for leaders. A team member misses a deadline and you hear "they don't take this seriously." A client goes quiet and you hear "they're about to leave." The problem is not the problem. The story is.
Does reframing negative thoughts actually work?
Yes, and there's solid research behind it. Psychologists call it cognitive reframing, or reappraisal: deliberately reinterpreting a situation to change how it feels.
In a well-known set of studies, Stanford's James Gross and Berkeley's Oliver John compared people who tend to reappraise with people who tend to bottle things up. The reappraisers experienced and expressed more positive emotion and less negative emotion. They also had better relationships and higher well-being. The people who suppressed their feelings did worse on all three.3
In other words, pushing a feeling down doesn't make it go away. Changing the story does.
How to start reframing negative thoughts: four steps
Here's the practice I use with clients, and still use on myself.
- Catch the story. When you feel a spike of anger, hurt or anxiety, stop and ask: what am I telling myself this means? Brené Brown suggests finishing the sentence "The story I'm telling myself right now is..."5 Write it down if you can.
- Separate the facts from the story. Facts: the buttons are in the cigar box. Story: she doesn't respect me. Only one of those is actually true.
- Choose a better story. Pick one that reflects how you'd actually want things to be. In my case, I could have swapped "She doesn't respect me" for "She loves me, and she was trying to help."1
- Find the evidence. Look for proof that the new story is true. There's almost always more of it than you expect. If you're in a conflict, say it out loud: "Here's what happened, and here's the story I'm making up about it."5
If I had done that in our LA rental, I wouldn't have had to look far. My proof was sitting in that cigar box: her buttons and mine, side by side.1
Reframing negative thoughts is a practice, not a trick
You won't catch every story. I still don't. Some days the old script runs before I even notice it.
But every time you catch one, you weaken it. You create a little space between what happened and what you decide it means. That space is where intention lives. It's where you get to choose how you show up as a partner, a parent and a leader.
If you keep running into the same story, at work, at home or with money, that's usually a signal. There's a gap between how you're living and who you actually are. That's the work I do with clients at Intention: getting clear on what matters, building a Living Vision and closing that gap.
A good place to start is the free Intention Assessment. It takes a few minutes and shows you where your life is aligned and where it isn't. Or meet Kurt and see if coaching is a fit.
Frequently asked questions
What does reframing negative thoughts mean?
It means noticing the story you've attached to something that happened and deliberately choosing a more accurate or more helpful one. Psychologists call it reappraisal, and people who do it often report more positive emotion and better relationships.3
What does "the problem isn't the problem" mean?
It means the event itself is rarely what hurts. What hurts is the meaning we give it. Epictetus made the same point almost 2,000 years ago: we're disturbed by our views of things, not the things themselves.2
Isn't reframing just positive thinking?
No. Positive thinking can mean ignoring a problem. Reframing means looking at it more honestly: separating the facts from the story, then choosing a story you can find real evidence for.
How do I reframe in the middle of an argument?
Pause and name it. Say "here's what happened, and here's the story I'm making up about it." Brené Brown recommends this because it shows the other person your assumption instead of your accusation.5
Is reframing a replacement for therapy?
No. It's a useful everyday practice. If a story is tied to trauma, depression or anxiety that's affecting your life, talk to a licensed professional.
Resources5 studies, data sources and references in this article
- Intention Coach on Substack, Kurt Schliemann, The Problem Isn't the Problem (2026)
- MIT Internet Classics Archive, Epictetus, The Enchiridion, section 5 (c. 125 AD)
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Gross & John, Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes (2003)
- Psychology Today, Why 69 Percent of Couples' Conflict Will Never Go Away (2025)
- Goodreads, Takeaways from Brené Brown (2016)
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