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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. What the world needs is people who have come alive.”
--attributed to Howard Thurman
When you board an airplane, you’re probably pretty familiar with the safety speech. There’s a line that many know almost by heart: “Put on your own mask before helping others.”
I think this is a perfect metaphor for life.
I was on a conference call yesterday with the great Arthur Brooks (I encourage you to check out The Meaning Membership if you are interested in his work). The topic was transcendence. We talked about the foundational work of William James, who identified two selves: the “Me-Self” and the “I-Self.” The “Me-Self” is the self you can point to: your body, your needs, your hang-ups, your reputation. These are the parts of you that have to be fed, rested, and tended. The “I-Self” is the part of you that chooses. It chooses how you spend your time, and who you spend it with. It has no fixed direction. It can point inward, fixated on the Me-Self’s unmet needs and status. Or it can turn outward, toward others, or toward something greater than ourselves.
The main thesis of the call: transcendence happens when the I-Self turns outward: vertically and horizontally, instead of wallowing in the Me-Self.
The idea is this: when the I-Self spends most of its time circling the needs, image and status of Me-Self -- it can become a depressing rumination. It makes the world small, it draws us inward. It disconnects us from society, energy, and Source. But when we expand vertically (towards Awe, Source, God, Intelligence, or whatever word you choose for a higher power) and horizontally (towards others in our lives, community, and world) we connect to a deeper meaning for life: family, service to others, relationship to the transcendent.
This all makes a lot of sense to me. And yet…I felt that a nuance was being overlooked. Because I’ve seen through my own work how “selflessness” can be used as a mask for self-abandonment.
I’ve worked with many clients who believe that “selfish is a dirty word”. They thought that their worth comes from being selfless…by doing for others. And while Brooks’ research would support this notion of fulfillment through service, I think it’s a more nuanced conversation. Because as I’ve seen this argument show up in my clients’ lives, it is often a ruse. Many of these clients actually feel fulfillment and value from self-sacrifice…but they simultaneously report very low levels of ease and self-regulation.
Giving to others has a limit, specifically when it comes at your own expense. I think you already know the answer in your body, even when your mind hasn’t allowed you to admit it. It shows up as fatigue you’ve written off as “part of the grind”. The irritability you excuse with “that’s just how I am” or by apologizing: “I’m under a lot of stress”. A shortness with the people you love most, that you’d never admit is about you.
That’s because the Me-Self needs caring too. In fact, it needs caring first. I know in my own life, after a few nights of poor sleep, I’m more irritable, and more prone to negative thinking. I remember when I worked on Wall Street on the west coast. I woke up each morning at 3:30am to go to work. As a natural night owl, this meant I rarely got more than 6 hours of sleep each night. I was exhausted most of the time. And as a result, I had so little to give. I was shorter-tempered at home, I was less willing to go the extra mile at work or for the people I loved. I felt like a shell of myself. And that’s how I knew that the lifestyle was unsustainable for the life I wanted to create and the person I wanted to be.
Many of us are waking up to the importance of sleep (see what I did there?), due to the growing mountain of data from neuroscience that backs this up. Sleep loss measurably increases activity in the amygdala — your brain’s threat-and-reactivity center — while weakening its connection to the prefrontal cortex, the part that normally regulates it. One widely cited study found amygdala activity up to 60% higher in sleep-deprived people when shown negative stimuli.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion shows why this matters — it’s a fundamental precursor to how much we can give. In Dr. Neff’s research, she makes this point explicitly: that self-compassion isn’t selfish, it’s actually what gives people the emotional resources to care for others without burning out.
There is an additional distinction that researchers have discovered: giving to others can have varying effects on the helper. Whether the giving is autonomous (voluntary) or done from a place of obligation has a profound effect on the giver’s well-being. Self-determination theory shows that giving from fullness and choice replenishes the giver; giving from obligation drains them further. From the outside, both look identical.
Here’s my point: I think it’s easy to take Arthur Brooks’ research and say simply, “I need to move away from my Me-Self and towards my I-Self by giving more to others (friends, family, community).” But I don’t think that blanket statement is always true, nor do I think that’s what Arthur Brooks himself might say. What is true, I think, is that both selves need attention. In fact, the Me-Self needs attention first. When we can be present with our Me-Self and feel centered and taken care of (emotionally, socially, physically) -- that’s when we have the ability to give the fullness of ourselves to the world. That’s when the I-Self is free to turn outward, horizontally and vertically. Because we have put our own mask on first. And then we can help others in need.
What many of my clients mistake for selflessness is really self-abandonment. This is the real dirty word. And when you’ve spent so much of your life fighting for and helping others, it’s hard to know the difference. But your body can feel it. It shows up as a certain dis-ease. And while it makes you feel purposeful -- like you’re contributing and making a difference -- it also leaves footprints of exhaustion, resentment, and overwhelm. Because there’s a part of you that is asking to be tended to, but is being ignored.
So if you spend your days giving to others -- your time, energy, attention -- but it doesn’t feel like it fills you up…if it depletes you and you feel spent…it’s probably time to spend some energy on your Me-Self. See what she needs…take care of her and support her. Fill that cup back up. Then let the I-Self turn outward from that place. Because from there, you’ll have so much more to give.
And from that settled, more complete place -- you’ll make a far greater impact on the people you care about.
Put your own mask on first.
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